Syrup Trap: Alberta NDP shall not repeat the mistakes of the past, Notley announces from golden throne

This first appeared on the Syrup Trap


EDMONTON (The News Desk) — The next four decades in Alberta will not be like the last, according to the new premier.

“Big changes are coming to the way we run things in this province,” Rachel Notley announced Friday, lightly stroking her gilded sceptre. “It’s time to say goodbye to the waste, corruption and arrogance that marked the Progressive Conservatives’ reign.”

Notley’s swearing-in ceremony did break from tradition; for example, 1,000 doves were released instead of the usual 1,000 great horned owls, which some are calling a snub of the province’s official bird.

Furthermore, upon entering the official premier’s residence for the first time, Notley was overheard remarking to one of her assistants that “the gardener looked at [her] sideways,” and that he should be fired immediately. Later that day, Notley was observed flinging a handful of silver candelabras out the third-storey window, screaming, “Disgusting!”

Notley later swept through the legislature, tearing up anything blue and demanding that it be replaced with orange. Among the newly orange elements of the building are the legislature seats, the library carpet and the security guards’ uniforms. One clerk was advised to “Get a new pair of eyes if you want to stay in this building.”

“This province is a mess,” said Notley in a hastily convened press conference in the northwest garden of her estate. “My cabinet has been alerted that the decadence of the previous government will not be tolerated.

“We need better decadence,” she added.

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