This post originally appeared on the Syrup Trap
VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — In a stunning development Thursday afternoon, a new user of popular free dating site OkCupid was the first person ever to be completely incompatible with every other user of the site.
Records show that the site’s algorithms predicted that every woman between the ages of 18 and 70 would find him utterly repulsive in every measurable way.
Despite earnest attempts at showing “his true self,” Keith Mykowitz was shown to be the least dateable person to have ever lived, proving that some people just aren’t meant to be happy.
“I just want girls to give me a chance,” he said. “If being honest means that nobody will ever be even remotely interested in dating me, I guess I’ll just have to keep trying.”
Documents obtained by the Syrup Trap suggest that Mykowitz’s efforts will almost certainly be fruitless and increasingly sad, despite the fact that he is a normal, well-adjusted person who genuinely deserves happiness. The documents also point to a bleak future of loneliness and desperation, marked only by the occasional spark of hope when a message arrives in his inbox — which will, of course, be promptly stomped out by the realization that it is a service message from OkCupid itself.
Friends and family of Mykowitz were quick to shamelessly lie to the 28-year-old organic farmer, who grows delicious vegetables on the quaint farm where he will die alone.
“The right girl is just around the corner,” promised his sister, who knows perfectly well that there is nobody in the world who will ever love him romantically. “Just you wait.” ♦
Jimmy Thomson 