Labour law targets invisible minorities

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This first graced the pages of the Syrup Trap

OTTAWA (The News Desk) — In a controversial new labour law, the Harper government has attempted to level the playing field for a significant portion of the workforce: invisible minorities. The announcement has garnered the instant support of members of invisible minority groups, including people who have never sworn off drinking, professional falconers, and those who describe themselves as “ambivalent” about Rob Ford.

Starting in the new year, government job applications will allow members of thousands of previously under-identified minority groups to self-identify, giving them a leg up in the hiring process.

“The Canadian government recognizes that diversity in the workforce pays dividends to the whole populace,” said labour minister Kellie Leitch. “Diversity of opinion, diversity of diet, diversity of hockey loyalty — the Conservative Party values diversity in all its forms.”

The new law will bring equality to even the smallest of invisible minorities. Those who prefer no-name brand cheese puffs are expected to be in high demand in the eastern provinces, while recent labour numbers show that individuals who didn’t really like Breaking Bad very much are seriously under-represented in Alberta government posts.

Owners of Leopard tanks are expected to benefit from the new law, as long as they have at one time or another driven it into or out of an aircraft

While most agree that it’s important to give equal opportunities to fans of the later works of Chumbawamba who also have never tried breakfast cereal, some are saying the law doesn’t go far enough.

“I, like, totally hate Nickelback,” said Emily Zhong, who grew up in Vancouver. “And I love weird food like sushi and craft beer. I’m such a hipster; I just love everything weird! But weirdos like me won’t see any benefit unless we, like, dress like lumberjacks or something.”

Lumberjacks who dress like businessmen are, in fact, beneficiaries of the new bill; however, urbanites who dress like lumberjacks will be left out of the new legislation unless they also carry two-man bandsaws and speak in old-timey accents. Siblings of people who meet that description may see some benefits, but only those who have lived abroad for between five and eight years while learning to train tigers.

The complete list will be released later this week. Leitch said it may be a shocking period for some.

“Many Canadians will find that they are part of an invisible minority group and have actually been discriminated against all their lives.”

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