As newspaper revenues continue the steep decline seen over the past decade, scientists are warning that the trend is only going to accelerate as journalists fight over the few remaining untold stories. Accordingly, the New York Times reported yesterday that it is just months away from having printed “all the news that’s fit to print,” sending panic through newsrooms across the world.
“We’ve had a good run,” said Times editor Jill Arbamson in a press release that was swallowed whole like a cartoon raw steak by the rabid dog that is the world’s news-media, “but we can’t keep fighting physics forever. Sooner or later, the stories will have all been told, and we have to face that fact.”
Scientists have been predicting “peak news” for decades, but through the heady post-war years that saw massive expansion of news empires, few in the industry paid attention.
“We used to just toss out perfectly good stories,” lamented a veteran newsman found sleeping behind a 7eleven on a pile of free Metro newspapers. “We got fat on a dwindling number of stories… we thought the good Times would never end.”
“Heh. Italics pun,” he added inexplicably, before dissolving into sobs.
Magazines and television stations are feeling the heat from global story depletion as well. Cosmopolitan has secretly been running the same “How to tease your man’s bum” story in every issue for five years straight. Vice has cut their staff down to one writer with a life supply of speed and Pabst Blue Ribbon.
In their increasing thirst for stories, journalists have begun tapping unconventional news sources, drilling deeper and working harder for less return.
“Twitter has become a major source for me,” admitted a shaky staffer from the Calgary Sun. “I find all sorts of enlightening opinions on there about the Negro problem, for instance.”
Sensing that cheap, easy stories might be a thing of the past, some journalists have begun to seek sustainable alternatives.
“I’ve started to write fiction,” says one prominent journalist who wished not to be named. “As long as I can invent new salacious scandals, I’ll always have a place at Fox News.”
 Not a real thing